How

How

How can I use my strong sides to take care of my weak sides?
When my weak sides are active, I forget about my strong sides and it seems I have only weak sides. I forget to love myself. I forget to start my life from myself, from the intimicy with myself.

Tune.

Living room

Living room

It is still dark outside, I made fire in the oven and it makes nice sound.

I have been a bit more than a week in Estonia, going on with the driving lessions. It feels it takes forever for me to learn to drive, I am still nervous in the traffic and can´t have my eye on everything what I need to see, I haven´t learn to catch the information what I need to react at. One new teacher said I drive like first time, but yesterday evening with another teacher I had quite good drive because I felt well with him. People ask me when I get done my driver´s license – I don´t know, I need my own tempo for that and have to forget what is normal, have to stop comparing me with others and let go the pressure from others and from myself.

Yesterday when I walked home I was thinking that whole world is my house and different lands are different rooms for me, I do different things in these rooms and I like them all. Estonia is like living room – it is so simple to meet people, join talks, catch conversations. I buy flowers and just start to walk to my friend Jaan who has birthday and I think he must be somewhere around, I think to walk by the café where he could be and yes, he is there. Also Jaak and Krista are there, so we talk about life and about Jaan´s new movie, eat chocolate. Café is closed but it is ok for owner that we sit on the terrace, Jaak, Krista and Jaan are visitors who many would like to have. When we feel to have coffee, we continiue to another café, but this is closed as well, we stand there and think what to do until worker comes and tells that she likes to have us inside and opens café for us. She even serves warm soup for Jaan and brings glas of water for flowers. And cuts cake pieces bigger than usual.
After going in different ways from Jaak and Krista, I continiue my social flowing with Jaan and we are going to visit a poet who I only know from the distance, like it is with well known people – you feel you know them, but they have never seen you, so you have to start the relation from the beginning. “Hello, I am Maarja”, “Hello, I am Maarja, too!”. When this is done then we are equal again. I forgot the name of other two women. There´s a nice view from her flat, we see the sea, boats and far to the other side of the town, I join the conversation like I always known these persons and I love this feeling. Belonging.
Later I leave Jaan front of wooden house when he goes to another visit, I could maybe also go in but I am not sure, so I decide to go home, happiness sparkling in me after all these talks and meetings.
When I arrive back home, mom and Andreas are outside. I cut some wood and put them under the shelter to wait winter time.

So, sun is rising, I finish here for now even I didn´t write what I wanted to write and wrote completely other things instead…

Vello Salo. Igapäevaelu müstika

Vello Salo. Igapäevaelu müstika

Eile läksin kiirel sammul kinno Jaani filmi vaatama. Pärast läksin aeglaselt astudes koju. Teepeal vaatasin inimesi. Küsisin ühelt vanalt mehelt küsimuse, mida ma muidu poleks küsinud. Vaatasin värvilsi lehti jalge ees. Tundsin oma kohalolu. Terve ülejäänud õhtu olin mõtlikus meeleolus ja natuke kurb, samas oli ka mingit jõudu juurde tulnud. Oli väike meeleheide ja samas oli mingi kild sisemist tõde kinnistunud.

Filmis olid mõned kaadrid, mis mind kummitama jäid. Laulupeol nutuga võitlev laulev vana mees, tema kõrval teised mehed, igaühel oma lugu, omad tunded, oma eluolukord. Imelik, kuidas me elame samal planeedil aga igaüks nagu omas maailmas, maailmas, mille me oleme loonud nii hästi kui oleme saanud. Kuidas mitte tunda end seal üksikuna? Sa näed teisi inimesi enda ümber aga ometi on lõpmatu üksilduse tunne. Sul on võibolla suured tunded, rõõm, et saad teistega koos olla, aga ainult sina saad ise oma tundeid tunda enda sees täpselt sellisena nagu sina neid tunned, see, mis teistele paistab, on vaid väike virvendus sinu sisemisest ookeanist. Kuidas seda taluda?

Kaplinski käsi Salo õlal ja käel. See oli see kaader, kus ma sain puhata. Ükskõik kui targad me ka ei ole, ükskõik kui palju me ka ei usuks Jumalasse ja tema lähedusse, teise inimese lähedus on midagi, milleta me närbume ja läheme krampi, kõvaks, puiseks. Mõtle, kui inimese hing on killuke Jumalast, siis inimese puudutus on ju peaaegu nagu Jumala puudutus… Kas see mitte pole meie ainus ülesanne – lasta läbi endi Jumalat maa peale? Armastust.

Jah, jälle see küsimus – kuhu me tõttame? Et saavutada, jõuda – mida? Mõtle, kui meie ainus ülesanne on lihtsalt olla ja lasta Jumalal läbi endi maa peale tulla? Vaevalt, et me siis käed ripakil istuks ja päevi raiskaks, samas ei sahmiks me tuleviku nimel, mida kunagi ei tule. Paljud küsimused kaoks. Need küsimused ei saaks vastuseid, aga need ei oleks nii olulised enam sest Armastus täidaks nende kohta.

Unistamine ei maksa midagi, nii ma siis võtan loa ja lasen ettekujutlusel sellisest maailmast endas elada. Hingan välja ja võtan vastu väljakutse lasta täna natuke Jumalat maa peale, kasvõi natukene.

Aitäh, Jaan, ja palju õnne sünnipäevaks! Hea meel on sinuga samal ajal elada ja sinult õppida. Kuna ma ei julge öelda, et ma sind armastan, siis tulen lihtsalt panen oma käe su peale. Halleluuja aamen aamen!


Fru Konstnär Shines on the Stage

Fru Konstnär Shines on the Stage

Here is the interview with Malin Haraldsson, who´s artist name is Fru Konstnär – Mrs. Artist (this is how her husband is calling her sometimes). I know Malin from Communication as Art and Lifeplay courses which are leaded by Iris Johansson. Malin performs there monologues about life situations, sings her songs, helps Iris to connect people to their feelings. I was often touched about her way to work. I have been around and observing how she takes steps to let Fru Konstnär get born, now it is clear – Fru Konstnär lives and there´s no way back!

Fru Konstnär has much to do – Kickstarter project to collect money for her very first album, different concerts… How it is for you to follow her?

It is fantastic to accompany Fru Konstnär´s journey. All she gives me is joy, contant, energy and lots of play, play, play. I am not afraid when I am with her. Although I am not used to live artist life, it is fine, she is confident and in routin and I enjoy to follow her activities. Best play mate!

Is it first time for you to be visible in public?

I have been much on the stage with different projects, but I have never before used so much as now my own content, with my own art and music in focus. And it feels sooo good and right, it is something I have been waiting and dreamed about for long time. And now it is happening! Yippie!

How you create your art?

For me it is so that I am going on feeling, desire, flow and inspiration, impulse and joy most. I like to do something out of this material I have, even if it is not thought through or perfect.

Life, incompleteness and my own humanity is my art. To dare not to polish and correct, instead form something sensitive out of NOW. Without make-up. This is what I love! To embrace everything!

To publish your project on Kickstarter – tell me about different thoughts and feelings which came up by doing it?

To throw myself out, stick out my nose and be visible through asking help to finance the album has been HAIR-RAISING, BREATH-TAKING, GRAZY, AS TO DRIVE THE MOST SCARIEST MOUNTAIN ROAD and it has been also DEEPLY JOY-GIVING IN THE ROOTS OF MY HEART. Do I think I am somebody? Who am I to take right to do someting like that? Maybe it is not at all good! Maybe no-one will like the product… But it is not the product but WAY what is in my focus.

I challenge myself to stay against the temptation to bury me in performance anxiety. This is what I will get!

What is the worst what can happen?

Dark doubting thoughts are coming, also shame feeling. To make myself ridiculous. Can I let go the thought that I can fail? Is it possible to make a digital product out of something what works in live, here and now, in a meeting with the listener… Maybe it will be just flat? Or will it be something completely else? An artistic masterpiece? But I am not technically capable to do that… ohmygooood!!!

What is the best what can happen?

If I can do it so can you! I am fallible human and I want to enjoy my life anyway. I dare so that you will dare.

What is your secret dream about this project?

I dream that the part of Fru Konstnär´s personal radiance will shine out through the recording.

To dream costs nothing. Wish me good luck!!

Good luck, Malin and Fru Konstnär!

You can be part of her journey to support her on Kickstarter!

Asked, photographed, translated: Maarja Urb
Answered: Malin Haraldsson (Fru Konstnär)

Fru Konstnär skiner på scen

Fru Konstnär skiner på scen

Fru Konstnär har mycket på gång – Kickstarterprojekt för att samla in pengar till ett debutalbum, olika konserter… Hur är det för dig att följa med henne?

Det är fantastiskt att följa med på Fru Konstnärs resa. Allt hon ger mig är glädje, lust, energi och massor av lek, lek, lek. Jag är inte rädd när jag är med henne. Fast jag inte är van eller kan artistlivet så gör det ingenting, hon är självsäker och rutinerad och jag njuter av att få följa med på hennes upptåg! Bästa lekkamraten.

Är det första gången du synas så ofta på scen?

Jag har stått på scen i många sammanhang men aldrig förutom så här i min egen regi, med min egen konst och musik i fokus. Och det känns Såå bra och rätt och är något jag väldigt länge har längtat efter och drömt om. Och nu är det här! Yippie!

Hur skapar du din konst?

För mig är det så att jag går på känsla, på lust, på flow och inspiration, impuls och glädje mest. Jag tycker om att göra något av det material jag har, även om det inte är genomtänkt eller perfekt.

Livet, ofullständigheten och min egen mänsklighet är min konst. Så att våga att inte polera och tillrättalägga utan gestalta något sårbart ur nuet. Osminkat. Det älskar jag! Att omfamna allt!

Att publicera Kickstarter projekt – hur känns det?

Att kasta mig ut, sticka ut näsan och bli synlig genom att be om stöd till finansieringen av ett album har varit HÅRRESANDE, HISNANDE, GALET, SOM ATT ÅKA DEN LÄSKIGASTE BERG OCH DALBANAN och DJUPT GLÄDJANDE IN I HJÄRTEROTEN. Tror jag att jag är något? Vem är jag att ta mig rätten att göra något sådant? Det kanske inte ens blir bra! Ingen kanske kommer att gilla produkten… Men det är inte produkten utan VÄGEN som är mitt fokus. Och det jag bjuder mig själv på utmaningen att motstå frestelsen att begrava mig i prestationsångest. För det får jag!

Mörka tviveltankar kommer, så även skamkänslor. Att göra bort mig. Men ska jag låta bli för att jag kan misslyckas? Går det att gör en digital produkt av något som funkar live, i nuet, i mötet med lyssnaren…. kanske bara blir platt? Eller får det bli något helt annat? Ett konstverk? Men jag kan ju inte tekniken för att få ner det till materia… herreguuud!!!

Vad är det bästa som kan hända?

Kan jag så kan du! Jag är en felbar människa och jag vill njuta mitt liv ändå. Jag vågar för att du ska våga.

Vad är din hemliga dröm med det här projektet?

Jag drömmer om att en del av Fru Konstnärs personliga utstrålning ska lysa fram i inspelningen.

Önska kostar ingenting. Wish me good luck!!

Good luck, Malin och Fru Konstnär!

Sista chansen att supporta henne på Kickstarter!

Frågade, fotade: Maarja Urb
Svarade: Malin Haraldsson (Fru Konstnär)

Michaelizeit

Michaelizeit

Hello again, my lovely readers.
I am in Berlin for some more hours and then I take the train to Frankfurt – in the evening I am back in Langenhain for one week.

I have had different happenings in between – I got together 8400 Egyptian pounds for children in Dahab! So many people wanted to take part of this small action. It is so easy to do someting good, I recommend to try! Look around, look how far your hands are reaching to help somebody.

After Communication as Art course with Iris I travelled from Hagalund to Järna. Made some computer work in Åsgatan café. Filmed Malin´s process in studio. Became ill. Didn´t fly to Florence with Michael as it was planned because Ryanair had strike. Went to Dresten instead to watch Raphael´s painting. It was Michael´s birthday present to me. Was really touching to see this painting, stood long time there to feel it.
Went to ecstatic dance event and danced myself free. Had coffee time with Katja, warming. I have all I need in my life and 100 times more.
Now I have to go to the train, have it good!

10 together

10 together

Today I got together exactly 10 persons who want to give their helping hand for poor families in Dahab! I keep going, I know that there are more children who need this help, families in Egypt are big.

I think about people who are leading big projects to help thousands of children, and I am sitting here and so happy about these 10 I can help. Or, I could say I give possibility for others to help. I feel so small but so happy.

It is strong wind and rain outside and complete darkness. Day was sunny and bright and I managed to enjoy it so much as it was possible. I took all from it. Was jogging, swimming, drying myself up in the sunshine, shouting out my happiness into the wind, hands stretched out to the sky. Cleaned up small huts for the people who are coming tonight and some who already came. Sat on the top of the matresses in the tractor´s trailer while John Arild drove tractor to the school house. Picked apples. Ate food on the balcony, with the view over the lake and felt so special feeling about it – someone cooked and I could eat it, such a luxury! I had everything I need.

Now I put my stuff together, have to make my “office” empty because people are coming to stay here during the course.

Iris is coming tomorrow, Christian, Michael and many other lovely persons as well.