Well, we can imagine that we are making our life – that we have to decide, have to plan the future, make steps, but I see more and more how we have to let life happen. I have to take what comes and sometimes it means that I have to be in unconfortable situations: to go for example somewhere where I am afraid to go.
Right now I am coming from the place to where it was a bit unconfortable to go, but life gave me the possibility and I told “ok, I trust, I follow!”. Instead of it I could say :” I go there some other time”, “I will write them e-mail instead meeting them” or “It doesn´t seem to be my place.” This is just fear who talks. Fear for unknown, fear for changes. Sometimes I notice it and I can listen to life and take the opportunities, sometimes talks fear too loud. It is ok. To be weak, to follow fear is ok as well, then you can feel how it is to listen to fear.
Yesterday I followed my angel’s will and I got the place to sleep, some supper, I got to know 2 places where I could work and visited one place today. I am looking for job here and I let the life bring me right people and moments. It is much more fun to look how life plays with me than to go rationally through the job searching process. Play with life is surprising, it is fun and IT WORKS! You have to be ready and have to listen to your heart, or angel. 🙂 I want to learn to listen to my angel all the time, life is then so much easier.
I just finished short e-mail where I said “I have no idea what made me write to you, I just follow the dance of Life.” If I would tell the truth, I would say: “My angel is FORCING me to offer my help to you, I don´t know what he has in his mind, I just follow what he asks me to do.” This can be too much even for anthroposophs, so I keep it simple.
I have been very enthusiastic about the days when all is in flow and I just can smile and play my part, and I have been also a bit sad and fearful when I think that it is all just lucky strike and soon hard life starts with winter and inside-turned people. I try to keep focus on NOW and not to lose myself into unknown future which is beyond control.
I have been swimming so much, feeling so alive, feeling how my cells are happy and I have tried to express it with some spontaneous sounds and movements. Life is a miracle and I start to feel it. I knew it all my life already.
Last days I have heard my angel telling: write, write, write! And right now I don´t know what I have to write. I ask him now and he tells me to write about diesel.
I was out of money, and car showed me, that he is soon out of diesel and I had no idea how I can fill the tank. Then suddenly I got the message from K, who asked if I am in Sweden and after getting to know that I am in Järna area, she asked to meet. I almost gave up the meeting because communication was not going as smooth as I expected, hours were passing and my angel told me to keep going. Finally I picked K and her little son up and we went together to visit Solvik school. One moment I felt I want to go to swim and so I did. I felt happy, fresh and living and when I walked back I heard my angeld tell me: ask K to fill up the tank and offer her babysitter work. I was happy about the idea, but when I met K again, it didn´t feel like I want to tell it to her. We drove back to where she lives now and we talked about different things, still I was not sure how to tell, but finally she asked something about what I am doing in Järna, and I told that I am looking for job and until I find something stable, I offer different things, like babysitting. Her eyes started to shine and we got the appointment for the next day. She also needed a car to go for shopping, so I just mentioned that she could fill up all the tank and we use it as credit, I will come and be babysitter until credit is used up. So we did and so was the Story of Diesel. For now credit is used up, I have had nice hours with little boy in the garden where I was living myself when I was moving to Sweden 10 years ago. K is renting the part of house there and I feel like at home.
Now my neck gets stiff and I am allowed to go to sleep.
Loving greetings to you! Enjoy your life and play with it!
Today is a tacit day. Good for feeling myself – where I am, how I am.
I am much, even if it feels sometimes that I am blank and still. I am so much that I could fill up all the surrounding with myself if I would let all out what wants to come out. I am listening myself, hugging the small me when she gets afraid, letting her safely grow up.
We were 10 days in Dahab and I enjoyed it much. Sun light, friends, new contacts, talks with Iris… Learned again to know new sides of myself, never ending exciting journey. Tears in laughing face.
New 7 year period starts and I feel it with every cell of my body. Would like to shout. (Did it!).
Back in Langenhain, full of ideas and hope. Things which I have had for a long time on my list will be done step by step – I just get annoyed that they stay so long time on the paper and reminding me their existence. Good thing is that getting angry about it means getting some power for doing them. Just doing, instead wishing, wanting, dreaming. Very Pisces´ problem.
I have so many ideas that I almost feel panic in me sometimes because I feel I will never manage to do them all in my life. What to take, what to leave? I am soon 40 and then 70 and then soon I will die! When I think like that, then I can sense some panic, but when I think that maybe I will die tomorrow, then I get quite calm. 🙂 The key is about enjoying, I guess. When I enjoy every minute however it is, then I am living fully and then I don´t need to regret that I didn´t do enough or feel that life just passed by. To enjoy, I need to be here and now, to be here and now, I need to be in myself. Hello, Maarja, nice to be with you again!
Hello dear friends, followers!
How are you?
Today I woke up in Estonia, listened this and this, danced around a bit and felt wonderful. It feels like I have been in sleep for some months and now life goes on, light comes back and I can see myself again.
Last time I forgot Lorna´s prayer book here, now I took it up again, started to read it and I feel how it opens up the light in me and I ask myself: where I have been?
It is such a beautiful winter wonderland outside, for one more day before it starts to melt. In Langenhain there was almost no snow during the winter, so it is nice to be in Estonia right now, soon it will be palm trees, Red Sea and sunshine in Dahab…
Now I take the train and go to visit Hubert Urb and Teodor Tinn.
Love from me,
What I am doing? I am just living, doing stuff and not doing it.
After one month in Estonia I am back in Langenhain and I hope to stay here until going to Dahab. I haven´t bought tickets to Dahab yet, but I guess I will be there from 18th of February to 18th of March. Sunny Egypt.
Yesterday was Matthias here, I was watching how he was building a floor door, I was filming a bit, helping a bit. It is kind of meditation for me to be around him, specially I like when both brothers are doing things together, there´s such a kind of beauty of the togetherness, I feel every time I want to capture it – with the words, photos or video. It is relaxing. Safe. I can look for hours these hands working on things.
In Estonia I finished the video of Joyful Summerwork.:
Have it good!