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Category: Wagon life

A bit

A bit

Today is the day with less will power. Can´t sit down too long time, I have to move and stretch to keep myself fresh, awake.

Woke up at 5, it was still dark and rain was falling on wagon´s roof. I did my rituals and then made fire in the oven. Nights are quite cold now.

Walked through the rain to the office house and had some computer time.
I work a bit here and a bit there and I feel I do nothing. A bit everything. When I described to Iris about this habit to do everything a bit and nothing in deep way, she said I have fear to have the relationship to one thing. It is about intimicy. Learn to know something in deep way, grow together, dive in. So, here I am and doing my best. A bit here and a bit there.

I took Memorianum up again some days ago and I go on with it. is there, first story is there, written by Anneli Lees. It has no design, no form, just exists there. I would like that somebody understands the idea and starts to make it, I feel it is too big for me.
Have to write clear project out of that, then it is possible that someone catches it. It is important to remember people.

One moment I started to ask my father about his life and I understood I know nothing about his life. I never asked! I thought I know everything. I don´t know why I thought so. I have now planned an interview with him, to ask ask ask. In October. Many things happens in October, in my mind.

It is undangerous to be visible!

Today I made a cup of cocoa for Christian and I wanted to bring it to him. He had 2 workers in the office as well, so I started to go, was behind the door and then I didn´t go in. Was uncomfortable feeling. Is it ok to bring cocoa when others are also there? Only for him? I show my relation to him when I go there, it is uncomfortable. I passed by the door several times, going there and then turning around. Felt like a shy child. I went to kitchen and then Christian came there, he catches such things quite good from atmosphere. He saved me from my trouble.

Have a good new week! And every singel day of your life.




Today I worked on old stuff. Burned lots of old wood, picked up old rotten apples and plums. Talked to my old thoughts and asked them to go.



How different are days!

Today I was so, so angry and I was trying to manage it but I didn´t manage. Or what is managing? To get rid of it? Stop to be angry? For me managing anger is to notice that I am angry, then first shout by myself, directed to nobody. If something is still there, then next level managing is to understand from which thinking mistake anger comes from and then lead warm anger power to fix the thinking mistake. For example I am so angry about other person´s behavior. Then I stop – I see that I wish so much that other person will do differently, be other way. It makes me mad. Stop. Instead of just bubbling in anger, I let this anger go into thought “Other person is ok, he should not change, it is my wish to change him which has to change”. Stop. Now is important to do nothing, think nothing, let body to do rest. If I keep going with but but but but, then body can´t work in peace. Body needs my help, co-woring.
I have done that, but today was not this day. Today I got also angry that I am not allowed to be angry. This is how I felt, even no-one said to me that it is not allowed. I felt that my anger is too much. I was so angry about that also.

I had 9 km long walk. Helped a bit. Made some inner work. Didn´t help much. Prayed a bit, helped quite good. Made some physical work, was also good.

How different days are!