How can I use my strong sides to take care of my weak sides?
When my weak sides are active, I forget about my strong sides and it seems I have only weak sides. I forget to love myself. I forget to start my life from myself, from the intimicy with myself.
I stare the empty page and don´t know what to write. What a problem – sometimes I have no energy and motivation, and when I have energy, I have no mood! Problem, problem. Weird feeling comes over me when I don´t make my forest walk or jogging. This is to remember – go for a walk! And eat at the right time, otherwise bad mood comes! And don´t wait for other people, then bad mood comes!
Against bad mood helps a warm shower, some oiling and good sleep. So I will fix it. Would like to laugh a bit. Can you recommend some funny videos? Or a funny book? Would like to read something funny. Hehe, one came in my mind.
I hope these peaches are ripening soon, they smell so good already.
In the morning I had a very clear dream about love. It was a bit stressy and sad and after waking up I had pain in my stomach. The dream was about love which is stucked. So I was thinking and feeling around, talked in my mind to hardness, bullheadedness, selfishness, egoism in me. Then I let pain be and I just staid in it, it got stronger and stronger and then was slowly losing it´s tension.
I took Lorna´s book of love and started to read it from the beginning again. Was sad and good at the same time. This is a bit how it was today. Sad and good at the same time.
Today I was so, so angry and I was trying to manage it but I didn´t manage. Or what is managing? To get rid of it? Stop to be angry? For me managing anger is to notice that I am angry, then first shout by myself, directed to nobody. If something is still there, then next level managing is to understand from which thinking mistake anger comes from and then lead warm anger power to fix the thinking mistake. For example I am so angry about other person´s behavior. Then I stop – I see that I wish so much that other person will do differently, be other way. It makes me mad. Stop. Instead of just bubbling in anger, I let this anger go into thought “Other person is ok, he should not change, it is my wish to change him which has to change”. Stop. Now is important to do nothing, think nothing, let body to do rest. If I keep going with but but but but, then body can´t work in peace. Body needs my help, co-woring.
I have done that, but today was not this day. Today I got also angry that I am not allowed to be angry. This is how I felt, even no-one said to me that it is not allowed. I felt that my anger is too much. I was so angry about that also.
I had 9 km long walk. Helped a bit. Made some inner work. Didn´t help much. Prayed a bit, helped quite good. Made some physical work, was also good.
Why it feels it must be something more? Seems like other people REALLY live but I just exist. I feel sometimes my ground is shaking, it can even look like I have no ground at all. Built nothing, grew nothing. Where is my inner security, my inner home, where I can always be safe?
I found out so many things about myself in last years, I got rid of so many old layers, I guess I changed my DNA. But now I am stucked – can´t go, can´t stay. Can´t trust. Frustration that I waste my potantial, life passing by.
Some days ago I was going to cinema to look Mamma Mia and I cried there, tears were almost all the time in my eyes, I felt so much happiness, pressing out of my body, I wished I could dance around and sing, I wished to have a people to live together and have fun. Work together, do what is needed and then have fun.
This summer I had possibility to be together with a group of people, who are building up one old farm place in Estonia, this is what I am longing for and I am lucky I can be part of this process. Eating together, talking, sharing plans, ideas, digging out some stones, taking apart old house, planning new one. Swimming, swinging, sleeping in the tent. Looking mist dancing above the meadows, hearing crane couple passing by again, picking some milk, butter and eggs from hearty farmers, bringing water from the spring… To live simple is such a satisfaction.
And now here in Tallinn, I can feel sometimes lonelyness even when I am together with my mom and my brother and kitten. I still have the feeling I belong nowhere and it hurts. Maybe it is a deep wish to build a family, to grow together, to grow up, build up? Don´t know.
One evening when lonelyness came over me, I checked instagram and Lorna had there image with simple message “Ask the Angels”, so I asked my angel what can I do, and got the answer: write. I strarted to write out all I feel and after some time, in the moment when I wrote “I feel lonely” I got the bling! and message: “Still awake? Phone?”. I had a long talk with the man I love, the rain came down from this dark cloud and clear sky came out, high and fresh.
I have helping hands around me, how it is to trust it?