Last night at 3 we arrived to the lake in Austria. It is a special place here on the water, houses are on the feet next to each other, in the middle of the lake, lake grass in between houses.
Night sky was full of stars, when we drove boat I was looking all the time up to the sky until my neck was numb.
We loaded stuff off from the boat and then jumped into lake. It was So Good. Water is warm here and same time fresh. Earlier times I was a person who didn´t like to swim, but now I enjoy it very much. Specially here, water is all around and it is easy to jump in.
Today, late in the morning, after deep good sleep, I joined Christian to the harbour, he wanted to go to shopping and I wanted to go to jogging.
I ran from the harbour to the town called Rust, not so far away. First I didn´t know to where I run, but then I remembered a nice church garden and I went there. Made a brake under the trees, told one prayer and then ran back to the harbour. Maybe I have courage to take boat tomorrow and do the same. I never took this boat alone, I am not so good in parking.
Today I was so, so angry and I was trying to manage it but I didn´t manage. Or what is managing? To get rid of it? Stop to be angry? For me managing anger is to notice that I am angry, then first shout by myself, directed to nobody. If something is still there, then next level managing is to understand from which thinking mistake anger comes from and then lead warm anger power to fix the thinking mistake. For example I am so angry about other person´s behavior. Then I stop – I see that I wish so much that other person will do differently, be other way. It makes me mad. Stop. Instead of just bubbling in anger, I let this anger go into thought “Other person is ok, he should not change, it is my wish to change him which has to change”. Stop. Now is important to do nothing, think nothing, let body to do rest. If I keep going with but but but but, then body can´t work in peace. Body needs my help, co-woring.
I have done that, but today was not this day. Today I got also angry that I am not allowed to be angry. This is how I felt, even no-one said to me that it is not allowed. I felt that my anger is too much. I was so angry about that also.
I had 9 km long walk. Helped a bit. Made some inner work. Didn´t help much. Prayed a bit, helped quite good. Made some physical work, was also good.
I start to get really satisfied about my life, about myself. Waking up early makes a big difference for me, even if I am not a project leader or organizer (as I wish to be) and I do simple things in my morning hours – read, learn, write.
I don´t tell all the things what I am doing, I experienced that I stop to do them after I talk about them. But one important thing is that I read prayers from Lorna´s book, something opens up in me when I do so, it gets lighter in me. I never thought that I start to pray or mention God in the way I do now. Really unexpected. I am astonished about myself. Not shamed anymore.
Yesterday when I went up to my room I saw a nice pear on the stair, mom put it there for me, she got it from her garden. Nice one. This was my first breakfast today. Juicy and tasty.
I have been all the day here, it is raining and raining and it is nice to stay at home. Made fire for the first time. Stood front of fire, made some streching movements and read Old Testament at the same time. There´s something about it, I will read on, even it feels so cruel and God is there not as I can imagine God is. Not the easy topic to write about, so I stop here.
I just looked through some very old photo albums with my mom, now I am a bit dizzy. Good time to make a short round in garden before going to sleep.
When things are getting a bit too complicated, it is time to come to Berlin.
To sit on the balcony and listen what Michael has to say to me. He tells me that my inner beauty is growing, tells me to let my weak sides be – just look at them and not to try to change them. I feel how my selfvalue is getting in balance again. I forgot it all. I wanted to change my weakness, I wanted to get rid of it.
I was just reading new book of Iris and there she told – we have our strong sides to take care of weak sides, then we can actually be strong. If I try to get rid of my weak sides then I am trying to be somebody else and then I am not strong.
I fotgot to be happy, I fall into small tiny box when I am there in this village. Sometimes I go out and dance in the forest, sometimes I pray – it helps! It is nothing wrong with village, with others – it is all about me. It is about how can I manage incompleteness of life. If I fight against it or I let all mistakes be in the sunlight until they dry up and wanish with the wind. Smile and go on. 🙂