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Category: Nature

Something more

Something more

Why it feels it must be something more? Seems like other people REALLY live but I just exist. I feel sometimes my ground is shaking, it can even look like I have no ground at all. Built nothing, grew nothing. Where is my inner security, my inner home, where I can always be safe?

I found out so many things about myself in last years, I got rid of so many old layers, I guess I changed my DNA. But now I am stucked – can´t go, can´t stay. Can´t trust. Frustration that I waste my potantial, life passing by.

Some days ago I was going to cinema to look Mamma Mia and I cried there, tears were almost all the time in my eyes, I felt so much happiness, pressing out of my body, I wished I could dance around and sing, I wished to have a people to live together and have fun. Work together, do what is needed and then have fun.

This summer I had possibility to be together with a group of people, who are building up one old farm place in Estonia, this is what I am longing for and I am lucky I can be part of this process. Eating together, talking, sharing plans, ideas, digging out some stones, taking apart old house, planning new one. Swimming, swinging, sleeping in the tent. Looking mist dancing above the meadows, hearing crane couple passing by again, picking up some milk, butter and eggs from hearty farmers, bringing water from the spring… To live simple is such a satisfaction.

And now here in Tallinn, I can feel sometimes lonelyness even when I am together with my mom and my brother and kitten. I still have the feeling I belong nowhere and it hurts. Maybe it is a deep wish to build a family, to grow together, to grow up, build up? Don´t know.

One evening when lonelyness came over me, I checked instagram and Lorna had there image with simple message “Ask the Angels”, so I asked my angel what can I do, and got the answer: write. I strarted to write out all I feel and after some time, in the moment when I wrote “I feel lonely” I got the bling! and message: “Still awake? Phone?”. I had a long talk with the man I love, the rain came down from this dark cloud and clear sky came out, high and fresh.
I have helping hands around me, how it is to trust it?

Teemu, so full of life and excitement.
My lovely brother Andreas, often with wide smile and big laughter
Togetherness in Hiiumaa, Estonia / Video of winter visit to Hiiumaa
Playtime, my <3
Swimming in the painting


Pain in the Beauty

Pain in the Beauty

It is such a beautiful day here in Langenhain. Sun is shining, it is more than 20 degrees, golden leaves are falling in the soft warm wind. I had a walk, but I could not enjoy the weather fully. I had pain in me. It didn´t seem to me like a nice Autumn day, it felt like the Earth is in trouble, has fever and calling for help.

This weekend I was taking part of Lorna Byrne´s events. She told us that the bees, butterflies and other insects are dying and it causes the death of the birds. She asked us to take care of the nature, also to support people, who are supporting the nature. To pray for the nature and for the leaders of the world to make better decisions. I have unrest in me. I know that first I have to feel through this pain and then I have to understand that I just need to do my best. Not to harm nature. Do as much as my hands can reach. I know I need to smile and be happy and then do what I can do, I have still much beautiful nature around me. I feel a bit ebarassed to write such a simple text but I know it is not time now to hide what I think, it is time to tell out what is important for me.