What I am doing? I am just living, doing stuff and not doing it.
After one month in Estonia I am back in Langenhain and I hope to stay here until going to Dahab. I haven´t bought tickets to Dahab yet, but I guess I will be there from 18th of February to 18th of March. Sunny Egypt.
Yesterday was Matthias here, I was watching how he was building a floor door, I was filming a bit, helping a bit. It is kind of meditation for me to be around him, specially I like when both brothers are doing things together, there´s such a kind of beauty of the togetherness, I feel every time I want to capture it – with the words, photos or video. It is relaxing. Safe. I can look for hours these hands working on things.
It is sunny day and we go out soon to get a nice lunch in Flight Café, as we call it. There´s a garage for small airplanes, field for take off and landing and house for a café.
In Estonia I finished the video of Joyful Summerwork.:
Why it feels it must be something more? Seems like other people REALLY live but I just exist. I feel sometimes my ground is shaking, it can even look like I have no ground at all. Built nothing, grew nothing. Where is my inner security, my inner home, where I can always be safe?
I found out so many things about myself in last years, I got rid of so many old layers, I guess I changed my DNA. But now I am stucked – can´t go, can´t stay. Can´t trust. Frustration that I waste my potantial, life passing by.
Some days ago I was going to cinema to look Mamma Mia and I cried there, tears were almost all the time in my eyes, I felt so much happiness, pressing out of my body, I wished I could dance around and sing, I wished to have a people to live together and have fun. Work together, do what is needed and then have fun.
This summer I had possibility to be together with a group of people, who are building up one old farm place in Estonia, this is what I am longing for and I am lucky I can be part of this process. Eating together, talking, sharing plans, ideas, digging out some stones, taking apart old house, planning new one. Swimming, swinging, sleeping in the tent. Looking mist dancing above the meadows, hearing crane couple passing by again, picking up some milk, butter and eggs from hearty farmers, bringing water from the spring… To live simple is such a satisfaction.
And now here in Tallinn, I can feel sometimes lonelyness even when I am together with my mom and my brother and kitten. I still have the feeling I belong nowhere and it hurts. Maybe it is a deep wish to build a family, to grow together, to grow up, build up? Don´t know.
One evening when lonelyness came over me, I checked instagram and Lorna had there image with simple message “Ask the Angels”, so I asked my angel what can I do, and got the answer: write. I strarted to write out all I feel and after some time, in the moment when I wrote “I feel lonely” I got the bling! and message: “Still awake? Phone?”. I had a long talk with the man I love, the rain came down from this dark cloud and clear sky came out, high and fresh.
I have helping hands around me, how it is to trust it?