Today is the day with less will power. Can´t sit down too long time, I have to move and stretch to keep myself fresh, awake.
Woke up at 5, it was still dark and rain was falling on wagon´s roof. I did my rituals and then made fire in the oven. Nights are quite cold now.
Walked through the rain to the office house and had some computer time.
I work a bit here and a bit there and I feel I do nothing. A bit everything. When I described to Iris about this habit to do everything a bit and nothing in deep way, she said I have fear to have the relationship to one thing. It is about intimicy. Learn to know something in deep way, grow together, dive in. So, here I am and doing my best. A bit here and a bit there.
I took Memorianum up again some days ago and I go on with it. Memorianum.net is there, first story is there, written by Anneli Lees. It has no design, no form, just exists there. I would like that somebody understands the idea and starts to make it, I feel it is too big for me.
Have to write clear project out of that, then it is possible that someone catches it. It is important to remember people.
One moment I started to ask my father about his life and I understood I know nothing about his life. I never asked! I thought I know everything. I don´t know why I thought so. I have now planned an interview with him, to ask ask ask. In October. Many things happens in October, in my mind.
Today I made a cup of cocoa for Christian and I wanted to bring it to him. He had 2 workers in the office as well, so I started to go, was behind the door and then I didn´t go in. Was uncomfortable feeling. Is it ok to bring cocoa when others are also there? Only for him? I show my relation to him when I go there, it is uncomfortable. I passed by the door several times, going there and then turning around. Felt like a shy child. I went to kitchen and then Christian came there, he catches such things quite good from atmosphere. He saved me from my trouble.
Have a good new week! And every singel day of your life.
How different are days!
Today I was so, so angry and I was trying to manage it but I didn´t manage. Or what is managing? To get rid of it? Stop to be angry? For me managing anger is to notice that I am angry, then first shout by myself, directed to nobody. If something is still there, then next level managing is to understand from which thinking mistake anger comes from and then lead warm anger power to fix the thinking mistake. For example I am so angry about other person´s behavior. Then I stop – I see that I wish so much that other person will do differently, be other way. It makes me mad. Stop. Instead of just bubbling in anger, I let this anger go into thought “Other person is ok, he should not change, it is my wish to change him which has to change”. Stop. Now is important to do nothing, think nothing, let body to do rest. If I keep going with but but but but, then body can´t work in peace. Body needs my help, co-woring.
I have done that, but today was not this day. Today I got also angry that I am not allowed to be angry. This is how I felt, even no-one said to me that it is not allowed. I felt that my anger is too much. I was so angry about that also.
I had 9 km long walk. Helped a bit. Made some inner work. Didn´t help much. Prayed a bit, helped quite good. Made some physical work, was also good.
How different days are!
In the morning I was dreaming about 2 guys who were travelling much, we sat around the big table and then I asked them won´t they like to write a book about their journey. I didn´t get the answer because I suddenly woke up. It was 5.35 and I thought it is the nice time to wake up.
I needed a small sleep middle of the day, when we drove around with Christian, so we had a brake on the forest road and took a nap.
We had one visit in the garden, where Christian was looking the works that were needed to do there. Next aim was to ask at driving school if I can drive car here in Germany with somebody who has driver´s license, but I can´t. Legally. Don´t tell anybody that I still drive sometimes with him somewhere between the fields and small roads.
When we drove to driving school, then we took the wrong way, but I thought maybe there´s a café on this wrong way, and I was right – Christian knew there is a nice bio café at Hessnatur´s shop.
Today I thought about the idea to write two texts, first is this blog text which is kind of simple overview of some moments of my life, my thoughts, and then I could write another text, with all what is around and in it. My inner work in different situations in relations, more private details of beautiful life…
I feel I don´t want to open everything for others to klick and consume. Sometimes I feel I hide too much, I don´t show enough and if I am only little bit open – then it is not this and not that – it is lagom, sufficent. This second text with deeper layers, it could be something I send directly to people, not put it up on internet. Those who are reading my blog can see then what is going on beside, behind, in, around this what I share here. Can be surprising. For me and others.
I invited some friends to read my blog – hello to you! I have not many who are reading my blog right now, so those readers who I don´t know personally are very special as well, hello to you, too! I am glad that you are here.
There´s unusual darnkness outside, different from Estonian evening light. Very tight. And warm. I guess +25 degrees.
Yesterday night we stood up on the balcony and watched the sky – there´s a nice row: very bright Mars, then Moon and Saturn. First thought what came up when I saw this nice composition: that´s why all is so simple now, flowing. Easy way written in the sky.
Christian explaned me how cells are functioning, we are preparing for CranioSacral course which is in the weekend.
On my way back I got some food.
When I was walking on the way to the forest, I saw sun burned grass and I felt sad. Earth is in trouble. I got strong feelings in me and I thought that is not time to be somewhere in between now, it is not time to be afraid to stand for what you know is good, it is important that we take the right way, if it is not right, then it is wrong, there´s no middle road. It is clear, it needs clear thinking and strenght. When I was walking and thinking these thoughts, I found this feather, half black, half white.