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Category: Feelings

How

How

How can I use my strong sides to take care of my weak sides?
When my weak sides are active, I forget about my strong sides and it seems I have only weak sides. I forget to love myself. I forget to start my life from myself, from the intimicy with myself.

Tune.

Living room

Living room

It is still dark outside, I made fire in the oven and it makes nice sound.

I have been a bit more than a week in Estonia, going on with the driving lessions. It feels it takes forever for me to learn to drive, I am still nervous in the traffic and can´t have my eye on everything what I need to see, I haven´t learn to catch the information what I need to react at. One new teacher said I drive like first time, but yesterday evening with another teacher I had quite good drive because I felt well with him. People ask me when I get done my driver´s license – I don´t know, I need my own tempo for that and have to forget what is normal, have to stop comparing me with others and let go the pressure from others and from myself.

Yesterday when I walked home I was thinking that whole world is my house and different lands are different rooms for me, I do different things in these rooms and I like them all. Estonia is like living room – it is so simple to meet people, join talks, catch conversations. I buy flowers and just start to walk to my friend Jaan who has birthday and I think he must be somewhere around, I think to walk by the café where he could be and yes, he is there. Also Jaak and Krista are there, so we talk about life and about Jaan´s new movie, eat chocolate. Café is closed but it is ok for owner that we sit on the terrace, Jaak, Krista and Jaan are visitors who many would like to have. When we feel to have coffee, we continiue to another café, but this is closed as well, we stand there and think what to do until worker comes and tells that she likes to have us inside and opens café for us. She even serves warm soup for Jaan and brings glas of water for flowers. And cuts cake pieces bigger than usual.
After going in different ways from Jaak and Krista, I continiue my social flowing with Jaan and we are going to visit a poet who I only know from the distance, like it is with well known people – you feel you know them, but they have never seen you, so you have to start the relation from the beginning. “Hello, I am Maarja”, “Hello, I am Maarja, too!”. When this is done then we are equal again. I forgot the name of other two women. There´s a nice view from her flat, we see the sea, boats and far to the other side of the town, I join the conversation like I always known these persons and I love this feeling. Belonging.
Later I leave Jaan front of wooden house when he goes to another visit, I could maybe also go in but I am not sure, so I decide to go home, happiness sparkling in me after all these talks and meetings.
When I arrive back home, mom and Andreas are outside. I cut some wood and put them under the shelter to wait winter time.

So, sun is rising, I finish here for now even I didn´t write what I wanted to write and wrote completely other things instead…

10 together

10 together

Today I got together exactly 10 persons who want to give their helping hand for poor families in Dahab! I keep going, I know that there are more children who need this help, families in Egypt are big.

I think about people who are leading big projects to help thousands of children, and I am sitting here and so happy about these 10 I can help. Or, I could say I give possibility for others to help. I feel so small but so happy.

It is strong wind and rain outside and complete darkness. Day was sunny and bright and I managed to enjoy it so much as it was possible. I took all from it. Was jogging, swimming, drying myself up in the sunshine, shouting out my happiness into the wind, hands stretched out to the sky. Cleaned up small huts for the people who are coming tonight and some who already came. Sat on the top of the matresses in the tractor´s trailer while John Arild drove tractor to the school house. Picked apples. Ate food on the balcony, with the view over the lake and felt so special feeling about it – someone cooked and I could eat it, such a luxury! I had everything I need.

Now I put my stuff together, have to make my “office” empty because people are coming to stay here during the course.

Iris is coming tomorrow, Christian, Michael and many other lovely persons as well.

Bang bang

Bang bang

Here I am again. With photos.

I took a knife with me and cleaned the bench. Now it would be good to wash it, it has kind of soily layer on the surface.

This is very usual picture here in this village and further around. Last year there were almost no fruits and this year there are so many that branches are getting broken. They brake also because of dryness, said Christian.

Like big pearls on the ground…

Ammuu

I joined Christian to one garden where he was cutting one marple tree. It was a nice garden. Owners had water place for the birds, also insect hotels, many nice trees and plants. People were so thankful about what Christian told them about trees.

So nice rose. She asked us to smell it, it smelled for me like an eatable plant. Njomm.

Last night I could not fall asleep, the day had been so intense and I suddenly felt I have so many unloaded feelings in my. So I shaked out some and wept out some.

In the morning when I was reading peacefully Lorna´s prayer book, there were two strong bangs so that all the house was shaking. I thought maybe heating system was exploading in the celler, I called Christian and he said these were military airplanes. When they fly faster than sound speed is, then they make such bangs. Scary.

But let´s look now again photo of rose to end this post with a nice tune.

Hugs!

Why worry?

Why worry?

I stare the empty page and don´t know what to write. What a problem – sometimes I have no energy and motivation, and when I have energy, I have no mood! Problem, problem. Weird feeling comes over me when I don´t make my forest walk or jogging. This is to remember – go for a walk! And eat at the right time, otherwise bad mood comes! And don´t wait for other people, then bad mood comes!

Against bad mood helps a warm shower, some oiling and good sleep. So I will fix it. Would like to laugh a bit. Can you recommend some funny videos? Or a funny book? Would like to read something funny. Hehe, one came in my mind.

I hope these peaches are ripening soon, they smell so good already.

Stay

Stay

In the morning I had a very clear dream about love. It was a bit stressy and sad and after waking up I had pain in my stomach. The dream was about love which is stucked. So I was thinking and feeling around, talked in my mind to hardness, bullheadedness, selfishness, egoism in me. Then I let pain be and I just staid in it, it got stronger and stronger and then was slowly losing it´s tension.

I took Lorna´s book of love and started to read it from the beginning again. Was sad and good at the same time. This is a bit how it was today. Sad and good at the same time.



Fire

Fire

Today I worked on old stuff. Burned lots of old wood, picked up old rotten apples and plums. Talked to my old thoughts and asked them to go.