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Living room

Living room

It is still dark outside, I made fire in the oven and it makes nice sound.

I have been a bit more than a week in Estonia, going on with the driving lessions. It feels it takes forever for me to learn to drive, I am still nervous in the traffic and can´t have my eye on everything what I need to see, I haven´t learn to catch the information what I need to react at. One new teacher said I drive like first time, but yesterday evening with another teacher I had quite good drive because I felt well with him. People ask me when I get done my driver´s license – I don´t know, I need my own tempo for that and have to forget what is normal, have to stop comparing me with others and let go the pressure from others and from myself.

Yesterday when I walked home I was thinking that whole world is my house and different lands are different rooms for me, I do different things in these rooms and I like them all. Estonia is like living room – it is so simple to meet people, join talks, catch conversations. I buy flowers and just start to walk to my friend Jaan who has birthday and I think he must be somewhere around, I think to walk by the café where he could be and yes, he is there. Also Jaak and Krista are there, so we talk about life and about Jaan´s new movie, eat chocolate. Café is closed but it is ok for owner that we sit on the terrace, Jaak, Krista and Jaan are visitors who many would like to have. When we feel to have coffee, we continiue to another café, but this is closed as well, we stand there and think what to do until worker comes and tells that she likes to have us inside and opens café for us. She even serves warm soup for Jaan and brings glas of water for flowers. And cuts cake pieces bigger than usual.
After going in different ways from Jaak and Krista, I continiue my social flowing with Jaan and we are going to visit a poet who I only know from the distance, like it is with well known people – you feel you know them, but they have never seen you, so you have to start the relation from the beginning. “Hello, I am Maarja”, “Hello, I am Maarja, too!”. When this is done then we are equal again. I forgot the name of other two women. There´s a nice view from her flat, we see the sea, boats and far to the other side of the town, I join the conversation like I always known these persons and I love this feeling. Belonging.
Later I leave Jaan front of wooden house when he goes to another visit, I could maybe also go in but I am not sure, so I decide to go home, happiness sparkling in me after all these talks and meetings.
When I arrive back home, mom and Andreas are outside. I cut some wood and put them under the shelter to wait winter time.

So, sun is rising, I finish here for now even I didn´t write what I wanted to write and wrote completely other things instead…

A bit

A bit

Today is the day with less will power. Can´t sit down too long time, I have to move and stretch to keep myself fresh, awake.

Woke up at 5, it was still dark and rain was falling on wagon´s roof. I did my rituals and then made fire in the oven. Nights are quite cold now.

Walked through the rain to the office house and had some computer time.
I work a bit here and a bit there and I feel I do nothing. A bit everything. When I described to Iris about this habit to do everything a bit and nothing in deep way, she said I have fear to have the relationship to one thing. It is about intimicy. Learn to know something in deep way, grow together, dive in. So, here I am and doing my best. A bit here and a bit there.

I took Memorianum up again some days ago and I go on with it. is there, first story is there, written by Anneli Lees. It has no design, no form, just exists there. I would like that somebody understands the idea and starts to make it, I feel it is too big for me.
Have to write clear project out of that, then it is possible that someone catches it. It is important to remember people.

One moment I started to ask my father about his life and I understood I know nothing about his life. I never asked! I thought I know everything. I don´t know why I thought so. I have now planned an interview with him, to ask ask ask. In October. Many things happens in October, in my mind.

It is undangerous to be visible!

Today I made a cup of cocoa for Christian and I wanted to bring it to him. He had 2 workers in the office as well, so I started to go, was behind the door and then I didn´t go in. Was uncomfortable feeling. Is it ok to bring cocoa when others are also there? Only for him? I show my relation to him when I go there, it is uncomfortable. I passed by the door several times, going there and then turning around. Felt like a shy child. I went to kitchen and then Christian came there, he catches such things quite good from atmosphere. He saved me from my trouble.

Have a good new week! And every singel day of your life.


Head aega!

Head aega!

Moon is getting full and people are extra nervous, unpatient, busy.
I am at Tallinn Airport, soon leaving Estonia, having one hour stop in Stockholm and then I will fly to Frankfurt.

Teemu learned to come upstairs, so he came and helped me to finish packing.

Mom is looking around in her garden.

I will be back in Estonia in October to continiue with driver´s license, maybe I manage to get it in this year. But I don´t mind if this doesn´t happen.

I write different sentences and delete again, write and delete, write and delete. There´s many people around me, I have laptop on my lap and it is not so easy to focus in myself.
This one-post-every-day challence is good because I don´t think “it is not best time to write now” – I have to write and I look for a chance to do it. And then I do it, even if it is not the best text I write. I have also another challence – to be in bed at 10PM every day, so, I won´t push my blog writing to somewhere later. There´s no later. Life wants to play with you – This is the name of my tiny company, so, let´s play!

How I manage to write when I am at the course? Or in Austria – middle of the water? In Köln? In München? I don´t know. If I don´t manage to get internet, then I will write offline.

Now it is time to get a coffee.

I wanted to write “I love you all!” but then I thought “you can´t say that, it sounds stupid”, but now I wrote it anyway. Have it good! I love you all!




It is easier to write when things are not alright, when something inside is restless and behind everyday life is taste of suffering. When I am satisfied and happy, I think it is too sweet and boring to write about it. This is what I am learning – it is ok to have it good.

So it is – I woke up at 6 again, had my rituals, had enough time to come out from sleep, melt together with the sunlight, greeted this brand new day with all the new possibilities. Storm and rain were gone, fresh air was pressing in through the curtains. Tasty.

Around 11AM I walked through Nõmme to get another driving lession. Teacher was kind and clear and it helped me to be relaxed, didn´t make many mistakes. Happiness was jumping in me when I was getting out from the car, I was shouting “Ciao!” for my teacher, he stopped for a while and then told “Good bye!”. Yesyesyesysessss I can drive! YEEEESSS!

I went to café to celebrate 34,5 years birthday of mine, took a coffee, wrote diary. Listened to one dialog next to me, between ~4 years old girl and her mother.

Girl is moving the straw in her milk to make some bubbles, she is telling happily about her bubble milk.

Mom: Don´t play with food!
Girl: But this is not food, it is milk.
Mom: It is food.
Girl: It is liquid.

Later I bought a new domain: I started once with one project, but it felt so big that I stopped it. Now I start slowly again, I do so much I can.
It is about people who are not living anymore but who are not forgotten (yet). I see collection of life stories with photos, comments from different people, some photos, maybe sound, video… I don´t now yet how it all can function, but I know I have to do it.

Moon is rising, some airplanes as well. I am middle of packing, tomorrow I will be on the road again.

This is the view when I am sitting on toilet. Good place to medetate.


Rainy day

Rainy day

I start to get really satisfied about my life, about myself. Waking up early makes a big difference for me, even if I am not a project leader or organizer (as I wish to be) and I do simple things in my morning hours – read, learn, write.

I don´t  tell all the things what I am doing, I experienced that I stop to do them after I talk about them. But one important thing is that I read prayers from Lorna´s book, something opens up in me when I do so, it gets lighter in me. I never thought that I start to pray or mention God in the way I do now. Really unexpected. I am astonished about myself. Not shamed anymore.

Yesterday when I went up to my room I saw a nice pear on the stair, mom put it there for me, she got it from her garden. Nice one. This was my first breakfast today. Juicy and tasty.

I have been all the day here, it is raining and raining and it is nice to stay at home. Made fire for the first time. Stood front of fire, made some streching movements and read Old Testament at the same time. There´s something about it, I will read on, even it feels so cruel and God is there not as I can imagine God is. Not the easy topic to write about, so I stop here.

I just looked through some very old photo albums with my mom, now I am a bit dizzy. Good time to make a short round in garden before going to sleep.

18.08.18 Stayin´ Alive

18.08.18 Stayin´ Alive

I woke up today at 6AM, heard my alarm at 5AM as well, but I… don´t remember what happened.
I like mornings. I always liked, but only way for me to see summer morning was to stay up all the night until the morning. Waking up early was never my thing. I feel I still have stress from the school time – I always felt I don´t have enough rest. Now, after many years I still have some kind of wish to sleep out, even if I haven´t done much and I have nothing to sleep out.

I guess it was yesterday before sleeping when I got the thought – life is soo interesting, why I should sleep out from that? It gives lots of energy! Iris says we have 1000 times more energy than we use. I start to understand that. Me, the person, who loves to sleep until midday! So, I proudly present, here I greet sunrise:

For my mom it is not so special to wake up early, she likes her time alone, some coffee and reading, walking in the garden. Today she brought Teemu up to me because he was mad.

At 9 o´clock many things were done and I was ready to go to first aid course. Took a coffee from Reval Cafe and then had 4 hours course, which I liked very much. It is nice to listen to a person who knows her work. I was her partner when she showed things, so I learned extra. We listened to Bee Gees “Stayin´ Alive” to get right rhytm for heart massage. 4 hours were passing fast.

Around 3PM I got so tired and slept for 2 hours. Less sugar and coffe and i will be less tired, I guess. But let´s not be perfect!
Then we had some nice fresh rain. After the rain I played grass hockey with my brother, he was happy and me too.

I am again too late, have to learn to plan my time. Dad is visiting, wanted to talk to him and now writing also… But I feel alive! Let´s stay alive!