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Category: Estonia

18.08.18 Stayin´ Alive

18.08.18 Stayin´ Alive

I woke up today at 6AM, heard my alarm at 5AM as well, but I… don´t remember what happened.
I like mornings. I always liked, but only way for me to see summer morning was to stay up all the night until the morning. Waking up early was never my thing. I feel I still have stress from the school time – I always felt I don´t have enough rest. Now, after many years I still have some kind of wish to sleep out, even if I haven´t done much and I have nothing to sleep out.

I guess it was yesterday before sleeping when I got the thought – life is soo interesting, why I should sleep out from that? It gives lots of energy! Iris says we have 1000 times more energy than we use. I start to understand that. Me, the person, who loves to sleep until midday! So, I proudly present, here I greet sunrise:

For my mom it is not so special to wake up early, she likes her time alone, some coffee and reading, walking in the garden. Today she brought Teemu up to me because he was mad.

At 9 o´clock many things were done and I was ready to go to first aid course. Took a coffee from Reval Cafe and then had 4 hours course, which I liked very much. It is nice to listen to a person who knows her work. I was her partner when she showed things, so I learned extra. We listened to Bee Gees “Stayin´ Alive” to get right rhytm for heart massage. 4 hours were passing fast.

Around 3PM I got so tired and slept for 2 hours. Less sugar and coffe and i will be less tired, I guess. But let´s not be perfect!
Then we had some nice fresh rain. After the rain I played grass hockey with my brother, he was happy and me too.

I am again too late, have to learn to plan my time. Dad is visiting, wanted to talk to him and now writing also… But I feel alive! Let´s stay alive!

17.08.18

17.08.18

From today I try to blog every day for one month. I want to shake my ideals how my texts and thoughts should be presented, I just shoot out!

I thought I am already too late, I should sleep now, I took up another challenge – to go to sleep at 10PM and wake up at 5AM. But now it is already 22:26! Failed. Half failed.

Today I:

– walked at 8.30 through the graveyard to go to drive car.

– saw two old ladies sitting heads together on the edge of the grave and showing each other photos. It looked so nice, wanted to go there and be with them but I was too shy and I thought I will get late to (for) my driving lesson.

– I was wrong – teacher cancelled our lesson just at this time when we had our appointment. Reason – I forgot to verify our last lesson. She wrote if I fix it then she CAN give me new chance at 6PM.

– I was walking back all the way, was very nice morning! A Rabbit was running front of me for some time. I was reading names on the graves. I just can´t pass by without reading them. I feel connected to these people in this moment.

– At “home” (my mom´s place) I was reading Old Testament and I still wondering what it is about.

– Continiued to design 7m long sign for Christian, “Christian Schönberger Der Baumpflege” comes on that, the sign will hang on our house. Tried to find out how to make the printing file for such a big sign. Didn´t find.

– I went second time through the graveyard.

– I was driving on the country roads, 100km/h! Cool. I like driving. Can´t wait to have my own car to race around! Made a huge round in Tallinn, in  2h.

– Walked again through the graveyard. One white dog was walking top of the wall, I was afraid, but all went good, he had owners somewhere nearby.

– I walked to the shop because I wanted to have a glass bottle for a special borax water which I start to drink.  There on the bench was sitting one guy I know and so we talked almost 2 hours. We never meet like friends, but when we see each other, we have long deep conversation. He was in special state and he was having wide look on the life, so ot was an intense meeting. Front of Rimi shop. This is what I like about Estonia, I don´t have such meetings in other countries. Maybe in Sweden only, in Järna.

It is 23:00 and I go to bed. I am happy.

 

Something more

Something more

Why it feels it must be something more? Seems like other people REALLY live but I just exist. I feel sometimes my ground is shaking, it can even look like I have no ground at all. Built nothing, grew nothing. Where is my inner security, my inner home, where I can always be safe?

I found out so many things about myself in last years, I got rid of so many old layers, I guess I changed my DNA. But now I am stucked – can´t go, can´t stay. Can´t trust. Frustration that I waste my potantial, life passing by.

Some days ago I was going to cinema to look Mamma Mia and I cried there, tears were almost all the time in my eyes, I felt so much happiness, pressing out of my body, I wished I could dance around and sing, I wished to have a people to live together and have fun. Work together, do what is needed and then have fun.

This summer I had possibility to be together with a group of people, who are building up one old farm place in Estonia, this is what I am longing for and I am lucky I can be part of this process. Eating together, talking, sharing plans, ideas, digging out some stones, taking apart old house, planning new one. Swimming, swinging, sleeping in the tent. Looking mist dancing above the meadows, hearing crane couple passing by again, picking up some milk, butter and eggs from hearty farmers, bringing water from the spring… To live simple is such a satisfaction.

And now here in Tallinn, I can feel sometimes lonelyness even when I am together with my mom and my brother and kitten. I still have the feeling I belong nowhere and it hurts. Maybe it is a deep wish to build a family, to grow together, to grow up, build up? Don´t know.

One evening when lonelyness came over me, I checked instagram and Lorna had there image with simple message “Ask the Angels”, so I asked my angel what can I do, and got the answer: write. I strarted to write out all I feel and after some time, in the moment when I wrote “I feel lonely” I got the bling! and message: “Still awake? Phone?”. I had a long talk with the man I love, the rain came down from this dark cloud and clear sky came out, high and fresh.
I have helping hands around me, how it is to trust it?

Teemu, so full of life and excitement.
My lovely brother Andreas, often with wide smile and big laughter
Togetherness in Hiiumaa, Estonia / Video of winter visit to Hiiumaa
Playtime, my <3
Swimming in the painting

Tune.