Today is a tacit day. Good for feeling myself – where I am, how I am. I am much, even if it feels sometimes that I am blank and still. I am so much that I could fill up all the surrounding with myself if I would let all out what wants to come out. I am listening myself, hugging the small me when she gets afraid, letting her safely grow up.
We were 10 days in Dahab and I enjoyed it much. Sun light, friends, new contacts, talks with Iris… Learned again to know new sides of myself, never ending exciting journey. Tears in laughing face.
New 7 year period starts and I feel it with every cell of my body. Would like to shout. (Did it!).
It is easier to write when things are not alright, when something inside is restless and behind everyday life is taste of suffering. When I am satisfied and happy, I think it is too sweet and boring to write about it. This is what I am learning – it is ok to have it good.
So it is – I woke up at 6 again, had my rituals, had enough time to come out from sleep, melt together with the sunlight, greeted this brand new day with all the new possibilities. Storm and rain were gone, fresh air was pressing in through the curtains. Tasty.
Around 11AM I walked through Nõmme to get another driving lession. Teacher was kind and clear and it helped me to be relaxed, didn´t make many mistakes. Happiness was jumping in me when I was getting out from the car, I was shouting “Ciao!” for my teacher, he stopped for a while and then told “Good bye!”. Yesyesyesysessss I can drive! YEEEESSS!
I went to café to celebrate 34,5 years birthday of mine, took a coffee, wrote diary. Listened to one dialog next to me, between ~4 years old girl and her mother.
Girl is moving the straw in her milk to make some bubbles, she is telling happily about her bubble milk.
Mom: Don´t play with food!
Girl: But this is not food, it is milk.
Mom: It is food.
Girl: It is liquid.
Later I bought a new domain: memorianum.net. I started once with one project, but it felt so big that I stopped it. Now I start slowly again, I do so much I can.
It is about people who are not living anymore but who are not forgotten (yet). I see collection of life stories with photos, comments from different people, some photos, maybe sound, video… I don´t now yet how it all can function, but I know I have to do it.
Moon is rising, some airplanes as well. I am middle of packing, tomorrow I will be on the road again.
This is the view when I am sitting on toilet. Good place to medetate.
Why it feels it must be something more? Seems like other people REALLY live but I just exist. I feel sometimes my ground is shaking, it can even look like I have no ground at all. Built nothing, grew nothing. Where is my inner security, my inner home, where I can always be safe?
I found out so many things about myself in last years, I got rid of so many old layers, I guess I changed my DNA. But now I am stucked – can´t go, can´t stay. Can´t trust. Frustration that I waste my potantial, life passing by.
Some days ago I was going to cinema to look Mamma Mia and I cried there, tears were almost all the time in my eyes, I felt so much happiness, pressing out of my body, I wished I could dance around and sing, I wished to have a people to live together and have fun. Work together, do what is needed and then have fun.
This summer I had possibility to be together with a group of people, who are building up one old farm place in Estonia, this is what I am longing for and I am lucky I can be part of this process. Eating together, talking, sharing plans, ideas, digging out some stones, taking apart old house, planning new one. Swimming, swinging, sleeping in the tent. Looking mist dancing above the meadows, hearing crane couple passing by again, picking up some milk, butter and eggs from hearty farmers, bringing water from the spring… To live simple is such a satisfaction.
And now here in Tallinn, I can feel sometimes lonelyness even when I am together with my mom and my brother and kitten. I still have the feeling I belong nowhere and it hurts. Maybe it is a deep wish to build a family, to grow together, to grow up, build up? Don´t know.
One evening when lonelyness came over me, I checked instagram and Lorna had there image with simple message “Ask the Angels”, so I asked my angel what can I do, and got the answer: write. I strarted to write out all I feel and after some time, in the moment when I wrote “I feel lonely” I got the bling! and message: “Still awake? Phone?”. I had a long talk with the man I love, the rain came down from this dark cloud and clear sky came out, high and fresh.
I have helping hands around me, how it is to trust it?
I am learning again. Once I gave up learning because I thought I can´t anyway be good enough, there´s always somebody, who is better. I gave up learning because I thought there is so much information of everything that I can´t anyway get to know all. I felt learning new things is quite pointless.
But now I learn again. Study. Maybe this came with my ability to enjoy the life, play with the life. Doing things for fun. Because they fit right now.
I started to learn CranioSacral Therapy. First this old thought came – it is too late for me to learn something new so that I will be (very) good in it. At the course it was sometimes hard for me, I could not feel the things I was supposed to, I felt I have no talent. I had to tell myself many times “It is good enough, I don´t have to understand everything at once”. So I was parenting myself, more relaxed I was, more happy I became. I looked out from the window, chickens where going around in the garden, being one with themselves and teaching me to open my senses. Calm smoothly hilly landscape behind the big windows teached me to breath and enjoy.
After the course I was reading John E. Upledger´s book “Your Inner Physician and You”, which was so inspiring that after I finished the book I knew I just have to go on with CranioTherapy. This is the book about how we can heal each other, for that we need our hands and trust.
Before I started to write I took rest on the mattress, felt a bit lazy, and then my Angel told me to go to write. I said I don´t know what to write about, it said it doesn´t matter, words will come when I start. I got the idea to write about today, but when I started to write, I wrote about something else.
It is risky for me to talk about the angels, but I do that because they help me so much. I have friends around me with who we talk about different situations when angels helped us, but other friends doesn´t know about it and I am afraid they will think bad about me. Hard thing is that I can´t be a good person for everyone.
One young guy came to me today after one meeting and showed me a small feather what he just found, he told me it is from the angel and he put this feather carefully into his wallet. This beautiful moment gave me courage to write.
Let´s believe in angels, in love – we need more kindness and softness in us and around us.
Today is a special day – it is TODAY! I have been thinking when to start writing, how to start writing, what is the good topic for the first post, in which language I should write, should I get the domain first… And so on. I noticed that I am waiting for a special day and it never comes – so I decided to create this special day myself, today.
Beginning seems to be the hardest part of the journey, and now it is done!