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Category: Angel

Let it come

Let it come

Well, we can imagine that we are making our life – that we have to decide, have to plan the future, make steps, but I see more and more how we have to let life happen. I have to take what comes and sometimes it means that I have to be in unconfortable situations: to go for example somewhere where I am afraid to go.

Right now I am coming from the place to where it was a bit unconfortable to go, but life gave me the possibility and I told “ok, I trust, I follow!”. Instead of it I could say :” I go there some other time”, “I will write them e-mail instead meeting them” or “It doesn´t seem to be my place.” This is just fear who talks. Fear for unknown, fear for changes. Sometimes I notice it and I can listen to life and take the opportunities, sometimes talks fear too loud. It is ok. To be weak, to follow fear is ok as well, then you can feel how it is to listen to fear.

Yesterday I followed my angel’s will and I got the place to sleep, some supper, I got to know 2 places where I could work and visited one place today. I am looking for job here and I let the life bring me right people and moments. It is much more fun to look how life plays with me than to go rationally through the job searching process. Play with life is surprising, it is fun and IT WORKS! You have to be ready and have to listen to your heart, or angel. 🙂 I want to learn to listen to my angel all the time, life is then so much easier.

When I had cleaning day.

Something more

Something more

Why it feels it must be something more? Seems like other people REALLY live but I just exist. I feel sometimes my ground is shaking, it can even look like I have no ground at all. Built nothing, grew nothing. Where is my inner security, my inner home, where I can always be safe?

I found out so many things about myself in last years, I got rid of so many old layers, I guess I changed my DNA. But now I am stucked – can´t go, can´t stay. Can´t trust. Frustration that I waste my potantial, life passing by.

Some days ago I was going to cinema to look Mamma Mia and I cried there, tears were almost all the time in my eyes, I felt so much happiness, pressing out of my body, I wished I could dance around and sing, I wished to have a people to live together and have fun. Work together, do what is needed and then have fun.

This summer I had possibility to be together with a group of people, who are building up one old farm place in Estonia, this is what I am longing for and I am lucky I can be part of this process. Eating together, talking, sharing plans, ideas, digging out some stones, taking apart old house, planning new one. Swimming, swinging, sleeping in the tent. Looking mist dancing above the meadows, hearing crane couple passing by again, picking up some milk, butter and eggs from hearty farmers, bringing water from the spring… To live simple is such a satisfaction.

And now here in Tallinn, I can feel sometimes lonelyness even when I am together with my mom and my brother and kitten. I still have the feeling I belong nowhere and it hurts. Maybe it is a deep wish to build a family, to grow together, to grow up, build up? Don´t know.

One evening when lonelyness came over me, I checked instagram and Lorna had there image with simple message “Ask the Angels”, so I asked my angel what can I do, and got the answer: write. I strarted to write out all I feel and after some time, in the moment when I wrote “I feel lonely” I got the bling! and message: “Still awake? Phone?”. I had a long talk with the man I love, the rain came down from this dark cloud and clear sky came out, high and fresh.
I have helping hands around me, how it is to trust it?

Teemu, so full of life and excitement.

My lovely brother Andreas, often with wide smile and big laughter

Togetherness in Hiiumaa, Estonia / Video of winter visit to Hiiumaa

Playtime, my <3

Swimming in the painting

Tune.

Up and down

Up and down

“Try to say truth, if nothing else works”. / Jesper Juul
This sentence is here front of me, on the table of my friends´ computer corner. It helped me to start writing.

How it is to be on my way?
It is sometimes easy, sometimes hard. Sometimes I feel I have no roots, I build nothing up, I am lost. Next moment I know I am just on the right way, living the best life I can imagine. Sometimes I am angry – I want to be in Normal Relation with a Normal Man, have a Normal Family with him and then do Normal Job. Have a Normal Home. Next moment I feel I am so lucky that I have complicated situation to learn, learn, learn. Grow. Learn to love. Become a Human.

It is easy to feel unsure about my way, if I look around and compare myself with others. I can feel lonely then. But when I focus on myself, when I ask Life if everything is ok, then I get the answer that I am on the right way. I ask angels. I don´t see them directly, but I get often answers from them. This is why I am here now – I had a walk, I didn´t know to where I should go next, I asked the question and got the answer before I finished the question. This is how it often happens – I get the answer before I start to listen the answer, before I start to think. Answer often surprises me and is not so easy for me to go for. It is challance. Sometimes I am still not going ditectly there I am supposed to go, it takes 1-2 days to make the call or write SMS to person whos name I heard. Sometimes I don´t understand why I have to go to this place, to these people, but when I arrive, I know immediately that this is the best place to be right now. Then I feel happyness and gratefulness. Trust.

Another stop. Åsgatan café in Järna, Sweden

Learning

Learning

I am learning again. Once I gave up learning because I thought I can´t anyway be good enough, there´s always somebody, who is better. I gave up learning because I thought there is so much information of everything that I can´t anyway get to know all. I felt learning new things is quite pointless.

But now I learn again. Study. Maybe this came with my ability to enjoy the life, play with the life. Doing things for fun. Because they fit right now.

I started to learn CranioSacral Therapy. First this old thought came – it is too late for me to learn something new so that I will be (very) good in it. At the course it was sometimes hard for me, I could not feel the things I was supposed to, I felt I have no talent. I had to tell myself many times “It is good enough, I don´t have to understand everything at once”. So I was parenting myself, more relaxed I was, more happy I became. I looked out from the window, chickens where going around in the garden, being one with themselves and teaching me to open my senses. Calm smoothly hilly landscape behind the big windows teached me to breath and enjoy.

After the course I was reading John E. Upledger´s book “Your Inner Physician and You”, which was so inspiring that after I finished the book I knew I just have to go on with CranioTherapy. This is the book about how we can heal each other, for that we need our hands and trust.

Before I started to write I took rest on the mattress, felt a bit lazy, and then my Angel told me to go to write. I said I don´t know what to write about, it said it doesn´t matter, words will come when I start. I got the idea to write about today, but when I started to write, I wrote about something else.

It is risky for me to talk about the angels, but I do that because they help me so much. I have friends around me with who we talk about different situations when angels helped us, but other friends doesn´t know about it and I am afraid they will think bad about me. Hard thing is that I can´t be a good person for everyone.

One young guy came to me today after one meeting and showed me a small feather what he just found, he told me it is from the angel and he put this feather carefully into his wallet. This beautiful moment gave me courage to write.

Let´s believe in angels, in love – we need more kindness and softness in us and around us.